CONNECTION GROWS WHEN WE FEEL UNDERSTOOD.
True understanding is harder than it looks. One quick comment filtered through old wounds can send you into a disconnection spiral. Here’s how to cut through the noise and help each other feel truly heard.
Why Feeling Heard Matters
Attachment is the heartbeat of intimate relationships. When your connection feels shaky, everyday conversations can turn into struggles to be seen. As soon as you sense “They don’t get me,” your nervous system sounds the alarm.
Feeling unheard feels like a threat to your survival. From the moment we’re born, our well-being depends on caregivers noticing us, understanding us, and meeting our needs. That same wiring follows us into adulthood.
How Couples Communication Breaks Down
Feeling unseen by the person who is supposed to get you the most is deeply troubling. Your nervous system kicks into overdrive, and effective communication goes out the window.
Instead of hearing your partner, you’re caught in a whirlwind of assumptions and automatic defenses. You might get louder, argue harder, or shut down completely.
Disconnection triggers your brain’s fight-or-flight response, shutting down the parts that make empathy, reasoning, and compassion possible. This is why in heated moments you might:
- Misinterpret your partner’s tone
- Forget the main point you were trying to make
- Say things you regret later
Healthy relationship communication is impossible when primal defenses take over. Your brain prioritizes protection over connection. You become opponents, rather than partners.
SUMMARIZING IS THE SHORTCUT TO CONNECTION.
Before explaining yourself, defending your actions, or trying to solve the surface-level problem… pause, and REPEAT back what you’re hearing.
Reflective listening creates a respectful climate where feelings land and connection grows. You can hold your perspective, and still offer a safe space that helps both partners feel understood.
Slow down… Don’t rush to counter their points. Summarize what you hear to prioritize connection over protection.
Couples Communication Works Like Playing Catch.
RECEIVE the message before you tossing yours back. Instead of letting your mind run with old stories like “Here we go again” or “That’s not true,” pause. Take a deep breath, and change the defensive patterns pushing you apart. Catch your partner’s feelings first, rather than reacting or even responding.
Get Back On The Same Page With Reflective Listening.
The biggest threat to SEEING each other are your own defenses. The most powerful thing you can do to improve your relationship is to become amazing at stopping your defenses in their tracks.
❝ Reflecting is like putting your brain in neutral.❞
We think 10 times faster than we listen. So, while your partner is talking, your mind is already racing with defenses, fixes, or “what about me?” It’s like their words are a quiet podcast, but your head is blasting your own loud soundtrack, drowning them out.
Summarizing helps your partner feel heard. It helps you understand what was said. Since we only recall less than 20% of what we hear, saying it back really matters.
✅ Download the free Summarize Reminders with tips & scripts (instant access, no email needed).
Reflect Before You React. This Tiny Tweak Does 3 Big Things For Couples Communication:
- Keeps You Connected: You’re not just waiting to defend. You are a team.
- Reduces Misunderstandings: When people feel heard, they can actually listen.
- Cools Conflict Quickly: Reflecting slows the stress response, so conversations don’t spiral into arguments.
Become Better Listeners So You Both Feel Heard.
Just the other day my husband and I almost slipped into a disconnection spiral. He asked me to help move furniture back into my office after installing hardwood floors and an acoustic wall.
I had just sat down to write my first blog I’d been waiting years to begin. My mind flooded with unhelpful thoughts like, “I never get what I need,” and “He is so bad at planning things out.”
I caught myself and summarized before reacting: “I hear you really need help moving the stuff back right now.” That pause let me remember his bad back, the weeks of work upstairs, and that his mom was coming to town.
Active listening gave me enough space to see his perspective instead of getting stuck in mine. If you want to communicate effectively, you have to connect before you correct, convince or critique.
🌟 Understanding fuels connection. Copy the link to share the tiny tweak that changes everything:
➪ www.debbiecherry.com/transform-couples-communication
Healthy Communication Starts with Summarizing.
Actively listen at the beginning of your dialogue with your partner. The first 3 minutes shape the whole conversation.
You don’t have to figure out who’s right or unpack every trigger to improve communication in romantic relationships. You just have to let your partner know: You’re not alone.
When your heart’s racing and your mind is ready to react, Pause. Summarize & Empathize to stop the pattern of defensiveness. The next thing you know, you’re plotting a date night, not sulking in separate rooms.
keep connecting,
Debbie Cherry, LMFT
⮕ Next steps:
💝 Download the free Partner Playbook.
📅 Book an appointment.
💞 Print & play Word Catch Couples Communication Game.
(it’s free, no sign-up needed)
💬 Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Communication:
What’s reflective listening and why is it so effective?
Reflective listening means repeating back what your partner said before adding your response. It helps you stay present, so the other’s feelings feel validated and hurt feelings don’t escalate. Seeing the moment through your partner’s eyes builds listening skills and supports healthy couples communication. This simple, constructive way creates space to connect at a deeper level, read body language, problem solve more calmly, and move toward better communication, relationship satisfaction, and even marital satisfaction over time.
How can I help my partner feel heard?
Use reflective listening to acknowledge the other’s feelings and respond from your partner’s eyes before you add your view. Keep your tone open and honest, summarize what makes sense. Pay attention to non verbal cues like tone, eye contact, posture, and facial expressions. When we feel threatened, in a bad mood, or misunderstood, our ability to reflect, empathize, and respond shuts down. If emotions spike, pause and choose a specified time to return. Taking a time out to reset emotionally can help you come back with a clearer, calmer mindset, especially in moments of poor communication between one partner and the other. Try to see the situation through your partner’s perspective, and respond from the other’s perspective, not just your own. These small shifts reduce relationship issues, help couples communicate effectively and strengthen your emotional bond.
How does couples therapy help communication skills in relationships?
A couples therapist offers a communication strategy and practice reps (e.g., reflective listening, naming needs) that surface underlying issues and unmet need without shaming the other partner. Sessions focus on speaking in an open and honest tone, so you both feel heard. Modalities like Imago Relationship Therapy create a safe space for deeper emotional intimacy and healing power through connection. A couples therapist can help both partners learn to actively listen, express feelings constructively, and resolve misunderstandings without blame or shame. Positive language exercises can help create deeper understanding of each other’s needs. Marriage counseling teaches communication skills and provides custom communication exercises like reflective listening, eye contact and assertive communication using positive statements. These practical exercises often help partners clarify their own feelings while learning to stay open during meaningful conversations.
📚 Healthy Couples Communication Resources & References:
- Attachment Styles & Communication : Research shows how security or insecurity shapes healthy couples communication, affects conflict resolution, and helps partners stay present with the other’s feelings. Understanding these patterns clarifies underlying issues, supports relationship change at a deeper level, and offers a constructive way to see through your partner’s eyes so joint decisions feel more possible and partners feel satisfied.
- Gottman Couples Conflict Research (Carrère & Gottman, 1999) : Known for the “first three minutes” insight, this work guides a practical communication strategy: lead with listening skills to lower hurt feelings and improve conflict resolution. Applying these findings supports better communication in daily talks and is linked with higher relationship satisfaction and marital satisfaction.
- International Listening Association : These data shows we think 10x faster than we listen (average listening rate of 125-250 WPM vs. 1,000–3,000 WPM thinking speed), which is why summarizing helps you stay present and respond in a constructive way. Slowing down improves listening skills, helps you problem solve without blame, and is a cornerstone of becoming a great communicator in close relationships.
