Defensiveness Melts When You Feel Heard.

Ever feel like you and your partner are talking past each other?

You’re both trying to be heard, repeating the same points, but it’s like shouting into a void.

Defenses flare before you even realize it, and suddenly you’re opponents, not partners. Communication feels like a battle.

 

Empathy Is The Antidote To Arguments.

Conflicts often arise when each person is trying to convince the other to agree with their own thoughts and way of seeing things. Reflective listening breaks the negative cycle, and helps your partner feel heard. Improve communicating as a couple by connecting with their reality first.

Conversations can become a tug-of-war of perspectives without empathy.

Making space for conflicting viewpoints is essential for healthy relationships. Otherwise, communication will become about who can win. Empathy is half the battle… relationship research shows that simply slowing down to connect with your partner’s perspective cuts relationship problems by 50%. Feeling heard calms defenses.

 

Why Disagreements Spiral Without Empathy…

When you don’t feel understood, your instinct is to push harder, to correct their facts, and defend your side. Your bond feels threatened. Fight-or-flight mode takes over, and partners become enemies. You stop listening. You stop maintaining eye contact. You start preparing your defense before they’ve even finished speaking.

 

Communicating As A Couple Is About Connecting.

The thing is that most relationship communication problems are not even solvable in the typical way you might expect. There is very little right and wrong. Both people’s perspectives are valid. Gottman’s relationship research shows that nearly 70% of relationship “problems” are perpetual, rather than solvable. So, there literally is NO point in arguing your positions.

To get better at communicating as a couple, you must focus on solving for connection rather than arguing about the specific details in dispute or trying to solve the surface-level problem… like who does more chores or how much to spend on the next trip.

When couples stay focused on who does what or who’s right, they miss the deeper connection questions, like:

Do you value me?

Do you see how hard I’m working?

Can I rely on you?

Do you still want me?

Am I important to you?

Recurring arguments may sound like they’re about dishes or dollars, but the deeper question is about love, trust, and feeling secure together.

 

 

Feelings Are the Bridge Back to Connection.

Empathy breaks the arguing loop by focusing on feelings, not who’s right, wrong, good or bad.

You can’t logic your way back to closeness.

You don’t have to analyze every trigger or revisit every past wound to start communicating as a couple more effectively. You just need to stop defending your reality… to make space for their emotions.

 

Empathy Is Attunement, Not Agreement.

Reflective listening shifts the goal from winning the argument to protecting the CONNECTION. Empathy triggers oxytocin, the “connection hormone,” calming tension and rebuilding trust, even mid-fight. You can totally disagree with what someone is saying, and still connect with what they’re feeling.

 

15 Empathy Statements To Improve Communicating As A Couple:

Here are fifteen simple empathy statements that can bring you closer, no matter how far apart you feel. Help your partner feel secure so you can bring out the best in each other.

 

Seen: Show You Get Their Experience

I can see how important this is to you.

I can see how that came off dismissive.

I can see how my lateness made you feel unimportant.

I can see how my focus on work has left you feeling sidelined.

I can see how my forgetting that detail felt like I wasn’t listening.

 

Safe: Create Emotional Security

I can see how my reaction made you feel alone.

I can see how my comment made you feel judged.

I can see how that wasn’t fair to you.

I can see how all of this has made it hard to stay close.

I can see how disconnected you’ve felt lately.

 

Supported: Be On Their Side

I can see how it felt like I didn’t have your back.

I can see how you’re frustrated this keeps happening.

I can see how you didn’t feel supported in that moment.

I can see how being the one to bring things up is exhausting.

I can see how you’ve been needing more from me.

 

 

 

We Are Shockingly Bad At Empathy.

Our brains are wired for efficiency, protection, and prediction. Studies show that we misread our partner’s emotions 60-70% of the time in close relationships. That’s not great odds when you’re building emotional safety. We filter their words through our own feelings, past pain, and protection strategies. You start defending. Empathy disappears. No one feels heard.

 

Effective Communication Requires Understanding Your Blind Spots.

Under stress or past hurt, you filter out anything that doesn’t fit your story. If you expect criticism or rejection… even neutral moments sound like, “They always think the worst of me” or “They never appreciate anything I do.”

Confirmation bias is your brain’s shortcut to avoid uncertainty.

We filter out over half of the information that doesn’t fit our narrative. Your brain wants predictability. If you’re not paying attention to your survival tendencies, you will miss seeing your partner.

 

💞 Practice Perspective-Taking: Would Your Partner Rather?

Here’s how it works: instead of answering for yourself, you try to guess what your partner would choose. It’s playful, but it also stretches your imagination and empathy, because you’re practicing seeing the world through their eyes.

Start with these questions and then make up your own:

• Would your partner rather plan surprises or be surprised?

• Would your partner rather hear “I love you” every day or be shown in small actions?

• Would your partner rather have quality conversation or quiet companionship?

• Would your partner rather try a new hobby together or master an old one?

• Would your partner rather do the chores together or divide and conquer separately?

• Would your partner rather retire early or work at something they love forever?

The goal isn’t to get it “right” every time. The real magic is in the conversations that follow… where you laugh, share, and learn something NEW about what matters most to your partner. Remember to catch what your partner says by summarizing before sharing your own thoughts and feelings.

Become A Better Listener By Slowing Down.

Empathy asks you to pause your own story and step into your partner’s inner world.

Not everyone has learned how to use listening skills in romantic relationships. The goal of good communication is connection. You win or lose together.

Empathy requires space. Even a 5-second breath significantly lowers defensiveness.

 

Summarize & Empathize To Communicate Better.

You can change the trajectory of your relationship by practicing two quick communication skills regularly. The 1st skill is to summarize what you hear your partner say in your own words… to put your brain in neutral. The 2nd skill is to empathize. Connect with their feelings, even if you disagree with the facts.

Next time a tough conversation starts, resist the urge to jump in with your own opinion. Listen, summarize, and empathize. Instead of trying to prove your reality, use one of these empathy statements to acknowledge theirs.

Keep connecting,
Debbie Cherry, LMFT

 

Ready to stop the tug-of-war? 💝 Grab my free Partner Playbook to stop arguments and rebuild connection fast with fun couples exercises to practice. Or, book a free consultation to have a conversation about how couples therapy can help make these habits stick.

 

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💬 FAQs About Communicating As A Couple with Empathy:

1. What does “communicating as a couple” really mean?
In a healthy relationship, couples communicate in a way that helps each partner feel validated and safe. It’s about actively listening to your partner’s perspective, partner’s feelings, and other’s feelings so you can talk openly, resolve conflict quickly, and express what matters. This kind of effective couples communication supports relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and overall well-being.

2. How do empathy statements help couples communicate better?
Empathy statements help couples communicate by showing that you actively listen and express understanding of your partner’s feelings and other’s feelings. They’re a form of compassionate listening that turns conflict into a safe space for healthy communication. By offering positive statements like, “I can see how you’d feel hurt,” you encourage your partner to talk openly and feel safe. Over time, these moments create a deeper understanding, deeper level of trust, and strong connection.

3. Can empathy work even if we totally disagree?
Yes. In a romantic relationship, empathy is about understanding the importance of your partner’s perspective, not just agreeing with the facts. Active listening and role reversal… imagining what it’s like to be one partner experiencing the other’s feelings from their perspective will help you communicate effectively even in conflict. When couples communicate with positive statements and healthy communication habits, they create a safe space where both partners feel validated and can discuss issues without damaging relationship satisfaction.

4. What’s the difference between empathy and sympathy in couples communication?
In effective couples communication, empathy means stepping into your partner’s perspective and partner’s feelings at a deeper level. Empathy is about feeling what they are feeling so they are not alone. Sympathy is more about feeling for your partner rather than WITH them. Sympathy often keeps you at a distance. Empathy uses active listening to show you sense and understand the importance of what your partner is sharing. This fosters healthy communication, emotional intimacy, and a deeper understanding that leads to better relationship satisfaction in any romantic relationship.

5. How do I use empathy statements in the middle of an argument?
When conflict heats up, pause for a specified time, even 5 seconds, to actively listen and discuss how your partner’s feelings and other’s feelings might be. Use positive statements to express understanding, such as, “I can see how you’d feel hurt.” Pay attention to nonverbal cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions so your partner can sense your compassionate listening. This creates a safe space, helps you get on the same page, and builds effective communication skills that improve relationship satisfaction and well-being.

6. Do empathy statements replace problem-solving?
No, they make problem-solving possible. In healthy relationships, communication exercises like empathy statements, role reversal, and active listening build a foundation for effective couples communication. They help each partner feel validated, feel safe, and create emotional intimacy. Once both partners communicate effectively, talk openly, and discuss the real importance of the issue, they can address conflict with a strong connection and healthy communication strategies. This is a skill couples therapists often teach using elements of cognitive behavioral therapy, imago relationship therapy, and a psychobiological approach to improve relationship satisfaction and overall well-being.

 

📚 Relationship Resources & References:

• A study published in the Nature journal Communications Psychology found that when couples are forced to wait even just five seconds before responding during conflict, it significantly lowers aggression.
• Empathy research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2023: Empathy cuts relationship problems by 50% because feeling heard calms defenses.
• Gottman’s research shows that the majority of issues couples face are recurring and stem from fundamental personality differences, and can be managed effectively through connection over resolution.
• Studies show that we misread our partner’s emotions 60-70% of the time in close relationships (APA PsycNet, 2024).
• The Science of Effective Communication and Empathy for Couples : A contemporary guide emphasizing empathy skills for partnered connections.