Conversations in romantic relationships can quickly become a never-ending battle to be HEARD. The more you try to prove that your reality is right, the farther away both people feel. Communication issues can push you apart. You both walk away feeling disconnected. Nothing ever really gets resolved with poor communication. You miss your partner.
Just the other day, my husband came in during a 3-hour window I had carved out to write this very first blog, and asks me to help move some furniture. Immediately my mind starts racing with all sorts of unhelpful thoughts… “Can’t you see I’m busy?”, “If you could plan anything we would not be in this situation right now.”, “It must be nice to just do whatever you want whenever you want.”
Even after 15 years of marriage and 20 years counseling couples, I still get triggered when our needs collide. In the past, we’d battle it out and both leave the interaction drained. Now, we’re a little wiser and honestly, just too tired to fight. We’ve learned to notice the body cues when things are about to go sideways.
I know when fight-or-flight mode is kicking in. That’s my cue to quiet the part of my brain that wants to win. The first step to getting back on the same page is to summarize what your partner is saying. So I said, “You really want help moving the furniture back right now.” That gave me just enough time to stop reacting to the noise in my own head, and see his need for support in that moment.
This one tiny shift to summarize what you hear before trying to argue your perspective is literally the smallest change that can make the biggest difference to help partners feel heard. Getting in listening mode versus survival mode will instantly improve couples communication. You can really only do one role well at a time… speaker or listener.
Why Couples Communication Breaks Down.
Even the most grown-up couples get triggered when they feel abandoned, rejected or neglected. It’s nearly impossible to have healthy communication when primal defenses are ignited. You shut down or lash out. You’re opponents. Feeling unheard by the person who is supposed to get you the most is deeply troubling. Your nervous system kicks into fight-or-flight, and effective communication goes out the window. The disconnection triggers automatic defenses.
We NEED A Secure Connection To Get Back On The Same Page.
Attachment is the heartbeat of every relationship. Our most primitive human need is to be connected. After counseling thousands of couples, I’ve seen that the most impactful way to improve communication with your partner isn’t about saying more. Healthy communication is about learning the listening skills to becoming a better partner. Underneath every heated discussion is a longing to be connected. It’s survival. Prioritizing CONNECTION over protection is the most impactful thing you can do for better communication.
The Shift: REFLECT Before You Respond In Couples Communication.
Better listening skills can change the game for your relationship. Treat conversations like you’re playing catch. Receive what your partner says before throwing anything back. Don’t rush to counter their points. Take a deep breath and change the defensive patterns pushing you apart. Instead of letting your mind run with old stories like “Here we go again” or “That’s not true,” pause. Slow down and SUMMARIZE what you hear. That’s it. Creating a new pattern of repeating back what you hear before sharing your own thoughts will instantly improve communication.
Why Partners Defend Instead of Listen.
Romantic relationships trigger old defenses because of our attachment needs. By default, our brain will go down the same automatic pathways, and get similar outcomes. Picture this: your partner is annoyed, venting about how you’re always on your phone. You’re firing back before they even finish… “I’m not always on it!”, “You do that too!” And just like that, you’re in a trigger war. Our instinct is to protect rather than connect when we feel abandoned. It’s like we’re boxers, gloves up the second the bell dings. When you leap to reacting, your partner feels invisible. They shut down, you double down, and you’re stuck yelling about nothing instead of connecting. Effective communication begins with becoming a better listener.
How Reflective Listening Flips the Script.
Summarizing prioritizes connection. It hits pause on your survival reflex. Instead of jumping to “you’re wrong,” you take a breath and say: “So, you’re mad because I’ve been on my phone a lot lately.” They feel heard, and you stay partners rather than enemies. It’s not caving; it’s valuing the relationship more than your defenses. Healthy relationships require partners to improve their communication skills to become better listeners. Couples therapy can speed up the learning curve so that you can have better communication more quickly and consistently.
This Little Shift Does Three Big Things For Couples Communication:
- Keeps You Connected: You’re not just waiting to defend. You’re partners, not rivals.
- Reduces Misunderstandings: When couples connect before they correct, they can comprehend what they hear.
- Cools Conflict Quickly: Summarizing slows the stress response, so conversations don’t spiral into arguments.
Why Your Brain Fights Listening.
When you feel unheard with your partner, your reflex is to argue or avoid, not sum up. That’s normal – nobody likes feeling cornered. Couples get stuck in negative cycles of protecting themselves rather than listening. Summarizing is also tough because we think 10 times faster than we listen (International Listening Association). So, while your partner is talking, your mind is already racing with defenses, fixes, or “what about me?” It’s like their words are a quiet podcast, but your head is blasting your own loud soundtrack, drowning them out. Couples communication is not about convincing, correcting or criticizing… it’s about connecting. The best way for you to be heard is to become a better listener.
Active Listening Calms Your Nervous System.
Listening is easy when you agree, and very hard when you’re upset. Practicing listening skills will help your rewire your brain for better communication. Summarizing is like putting your brain in neutral. Let’s break it down. Say your partner says, “You never plan anything for us!” Your gut wants to yell, “I planned dinner last week!” But hold up. Try this instead: “I hear that you’re feeling like I’m not prioritizing our relationship.” Then wait. Maybe they nod, maybe they tweak it and say, “I just feel lonely lately and miss you.” Either way, you’re not trapped in an endless loop trying to prove your points… you’re on the same page by staying on the same TEAM.
Reflect, Rather Than React To Communicate Effectively.
Reflecting back what you hear is essential for effective communication. Successful partners practice the couples communication skills so they can become better listeners. Summarizing first is like a cheat code: it slows the snowball, clears the fog, and turns “me vs. you” into “we are in this together.” Better communication is possible when you both feel CONNECTED. Reflecting creates space to hear each other without the automatic reactions getting in the way. When your partner feels understood, they’re more likely to listen. It’s not magic; it’s momentum. The next thing you know, you’re plotting a date night, not sulking in separate rooms.
Become Better Listeners By Summarizing.
Effective communication skills are foundational for healthy relationships. Next time your partner has something to say, don’t rush to reply. Sum it up first: “You’re mad because I left the dishes again.” Then, just listen and repeat back what you hear without judging, correcting, or reacting. See how this one simple shift changes the trajectory of your relationship.
Choose Connection Over Protection.
You don’t have to figure out who’s right or unpack every trigger to improve communication. You just need to improve your listening skills. Start small. Try it when they’re griping about traffic, not a big fight. Practice summarizing daily with everyone. You’ll be skipping most of the blowups, and cultivating a deeper understanding in no time.
As for my husband and me, we moved the furniture back into my office after he worked hard for weeks to put in new hardwood flooring, an acoustic wall and a plant wall. Shifting from attack mode to listening mode by summarizing gave me just enough time to see his need for support in that moment. To learn more about step #2 for better communication, check out the next blog on empathy.
keep connecting,
Debbie Cherry, LMFT
FREE COMMUNICATION TOOLKIT: Summarizing is the 1st step out of four to communicate better. Want to know the other three? Grab the Connected Communication Toolkit here.
